I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
You Might Also Like
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.