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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I am crying
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist