My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”