I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Help Wanted
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner