Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My neck my back my allergy attack
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times