Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.