There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
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This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?