flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.