It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR