Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
NASA has no chill
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.