You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks