fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.