I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
You Might Also Like
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.