what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
😬
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Last-minute gift idea!
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!