Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Strangers have the best candy.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?