Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.