Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.