What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island