Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great