According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
You Might Also Like
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
my retirement plan is braless
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}