Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds