Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.