Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You Might Also Like
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Chicago sounds lovely.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock