Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
happy mother’s day❤️
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.