I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.