Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer