20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Always
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin