When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I’ll be mad as hell!
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Lmao
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?