It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price