Deer are just ballerina dogs
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause