Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
it’s either covid or clever vampires
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.