Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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Fights fire with marshmallows
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
This is a true ally.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day