We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display