Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.