Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog