Mmmm. Shoeshi
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Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works