[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?