As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
the council will decide your fate
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people