i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!