After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?