I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”