Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch