When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
omg leave her alone
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
the icebreaker
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.