neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work