Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
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I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??