*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
this is me
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
wow
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft