Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
…u ok Nintendo?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.