May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My first child will be named New Folder.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone