Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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the official breakfast of 2021
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
You sure about that?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
felt that
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”