This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You Might Also Like
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’m about to risk it all
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.